Letter Writing Tutorial Tool

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step 3 - time to tease

Now we have hooked the reader and engaged him we need to tease him a little, make him want to come to the store, let’s work on the next paragraph:

good:

Mr John Smith
27 Good Street
Good Town
Kent
ME22 1LL

One day special offer on all barbecues and garden furniture this Saturday.

Dear Mr Smith,

Are you looking forward to lazy summer evenings lounging on a recliner with a glass of wine and delicious barbecue fragrantly cooking by your side? We have some great offers on barbecues and garden furniture at our store in Brickside this Saturday.

For example our best selling Kettle barbecue is reduced to just £49.99 saving £35 whilst our garden furniture is reduced by up to 25% for this Saturday only.

This paragraph teases slightly as it implies there are other bargains to have and creates urgency by saying Saturday only

 

bad:

Mr John Smith
27 Good Street
Good Town
Kent
ME22 1LL

We are delighted to offer all our customers new and old some very special offers on our fantastic barbecues including our range of gas barbecues and garden furniture.

Dear Mr Smith,

Our range of gas powered and charcoal barbecues and garden furniture are on offer at our shop where you can see them displayed. We have kettle barbeques, Australian griddles and Hibachis and a range of tongs to go with the same and chairs.

Come and see us our happy trained staff will be glad to see you and show you round the barbeques and garden furniture where you can choose what you like and take them home with you.

This paragraph has a message but is clumsily put together and is very ambiguous, are you taking the staff or the furniture home

 

now you have a go:

Mr John Smith
27 Good Street
Good Town
Kent
ME22 1LL

Dear Mr Smith,